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Children experience their own feelings, and are exposed to the feelings of family members, friends, relatives, teachers, and acquaintances at an early age. In fact there is a constant barrage of emotions hitting the individual from conception. At what point do parents begin to talk with their children? When are children responsive to their parents emotions? Is it necessary to educate the child on feelings, or allow the developmental process to take its course?
It is extremely important for parents to begin talking with children about their feelings at an early age. In the beginning the cooing of the parent to the infant is truly for the benefit of mom and dad, but it is an opening of the doors. If the parent starts when the child is an infant discussing feelings such as: Are you feeling sad today? Are you lonely? You look depressed in that stupid outfit your mother put you in. This begins the practice of affective language. It prepares the parent for confronting emotions in the future and opening lines of communication.
At about 18 months the child becomes aware that other people and things have feelings. This is the point where imaginative play begins. Children are role-playing with trucks, dolls, and stuffed animals. They may identify with a character in a movie and discuss the feelings of the character in different situations. These are opportunities for the parent to engage and talk about how feelings are important in the child’s life. As the child develops the discussions on feelings will expand.
The parent may start with a toddler by stating: “Oh, it looks like the dinosaur is mad when people are mean, how do you feel when people are mean to you?” As the child matures into 5, 6, and beyond the discussions will include more complex explorations such as:
"You ran into the other room and were quiet for a long time. Can you tell me what you were feeling? Maybe you felt left out, or lonely? Can you describe how it feels when this happens?"
It is amazing the insights a 6-year old will yield when given the opportunity to talk about the inner-world of emotions. It can be overwhelming and enlightening at the same time. Overall it is a worthwhile endeavor that will lead to better communications in the parent-child relationship through the lifespan. The following are some tips on how to encourage discussions of feelings with children.
· Help a child identify their emotions by supplying them with a choice of feelings: Are you feeling sad, alone, unwanted, as though no one loves you, as though you can’t do anything right, etc.
· Talk about good feelings, and bad feelings, so the whole range of emotions can be shared experiences.
· Open the conversation with an empathetic opener such as: “You look down.” “Your eyes say something is wrong.” “You seem very excited.”
· If a child is verbally advanced, allow him/her to do most of the talking. The fact that you are listening may be enough to encourage their discourse.
· Listen to the child, but do not try to negate, or take the feelings away from him/her. Otherwise the child will believe that you do not want him/her to feel certain things and will hide those emotions from you.
· Be open to sharing your emotions both good and bad with your child. Children need to know sometimes that adults feel unsure, lonely, unloved, and even that they sometimes have tantrums.
· If your children can open up to you when they are small they will be primed to sharing in those difficult years. It is important to take the time to create a pattern of sharing and acceptance. The identification and expression of feelings is not just a developmental process; it is a skill to be developed by both the child and the parent.
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