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These days, anyone out of their twenties is likely to be traveling with the baggage of past relationships. Dating a divorced man can require some special skills. If his ex-wife is a little too much a part of your shared present, it's time to put the past behind all three of you. Here's how to make a start.
Talk to him first. If his ex has maintained regular contact with your man for a long time, it's going to be harder to break the pattern. Chances are, your partner has probably come to accept the situation as normal, and although he finds it annoying to have to lend her money or work on her car, he would never consider saying no to his ex. In this case, sit down and have an honest talk with him. Rather than beginning with a shouting match, talk to him gently and with compassion. Whether he realizes it or not, he probably continues to indulge the demands of his ex because of his own deep-seated feelings of guilt.
Remind him that there are good reasons that he is not with her anymore, and let him know that her demands on his time and attention are unreasonable, given the fact that he is now in a relationship with someone else - you. Tell him that your relationship deserves to be given the best chance of success, and remind him that it's a partnership, not a three-way alliance. If you let him know that having his ex continue to be such a big part of his life makes you feel insecure and angry, he is more likely to take action to sideline the ex from your daily lives. This approach is infinitely more productive than nagging, shouting and slamming doors: if you let the ex-wife become a touchy subject that you can't even bring up without arguing, then you greatly diminish your chances of coming to a satisfactory solution that gets her out of your lives once and for all.
Is she approachable? Is the ex a relatively reasonable woman, despite her clinginess? If so, it might be time to take the bull by the horns and arrange to meet her for lunch. Think about how to word your complaint before you arrive, and make sure that you stay calm at all costs. See the lunch as two adults renegotiating the terms of their lives in a rational and sensible manner. Let her know, as politely as possible, that you would prefer it if she asked someone else to come fix her roof, or get rid of the mice in her apartment, rather than asking your partner to do it. If she doesn't have a new relationship of her own, it's possible that she merely asks your man to help her out of habit, or because she has few male friends who could do the job instead.
Suggest some alternative sources of labor, and of moral support. There are many home-help services available to women on their own, and she might not be aware of them. Let her know, as tactfully as possible, that you already find it difficult to spend enough time with your man as it is, without emergency calls on his time from her. She may realize that her demands are unreasonable, and attempt to look elsewhere for the answers to her manpower problems.
Is she difficult? If the ex resents you and seems set on sabotaging your relationship, a civilized lunch is out of the question. So is a friendly phone call to warn her off. In this case, you might want to consider sending her a letter. Once again, remember to remain rational and polite - you don't want the extra stress of a court case in which she takes civil action against the obscene and threatening letters you have been sending her. Instead, simply outline your argument in pleasant, businesslike terms. Explain that your partner and you are working on getting a new relationship off the ground, and would appreciate the courtesy of being given the space to do so. Wish her luck for her own future and let her know firmly that you intend to pursue your own - preferably with this man. If you compose your letter in a semi-formal way, it can function as a way of ritualistically severing her ties to your man.
Make sure you keep your partner informed at all times about the steps you are taking to attempt to reduce the presence of his ex in your lives. If he sees that you are serious about wanting the present situation to change, and, further, that you are going about this in a mature and organized fashion, he is much more likely to make this a shared goal. By including him, you effectively work towards reclaiming your time and space together. With a concerted effort, you can both leave his past behind, and start looking forward to a future in which your partnership is comprised of only two people.
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