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Many of us have had to cope with the loss of a loved one due to foreseen or unforeseen circumstances. In today's society children may experience grief in many ways; loss of a pet, divorce of parents, loss of a loved one, and/or moving from a residence as some examples. Thinking of a loved one as gone evokes a lot of feelings in us, and can lead to depression, anxiety, moodiness, irritability, aggressive and other behaviors in which we would not normally partake. It is especially difficult for a child to handle loss in a way that will help them maintain school progress and social relationships with in and out of the home. There are some ways caretakers can approach this seemingly looming topic with their young ones in a way that will promote understanding and acceptance.
Knowing the grief may be elicited from many different sources for children does not change the fact that some of the responses, of children, may be quite consistent across circumstances. Some of the more typical reactions a caretaker may see from a grieving child are; "strong emotional response when the loss is mentioned, lack of appetite, nightmares, restlessness, inability to concentrate, other indicators of depression that began subsequent to a loss, marked drop in school grades, increased angry outbursts, hyperactivity or clinginess when separating from parents - all of which are out of character for the child, feelings of guilt associated with unreasonable belief in having done something to cause the loss or not having prevented it, and/or avoidance of talking at length or in any depth about the loss" (Lonner, 1999). Some, or all, of these symptoms may be present if a child is grieving. This list of possible responses children may have to grief and loss can be helpful to caretakers as it can act as a guide to help caretaker's pinpoint and have some understanding about how their child is coping with the loss.
Further, another helpful technique in helping your child deal with loss and grief is having some awareness of different theoretical approaches of the grieving process itself. One widely used theoretical approach used to understand the grieving process in humans is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' stage theory. Kubler-Ross suggests that people who have experienced a loss go through a five stage process while trying to cope with and resolve the feelings associated with the loss. Kubler-Ross suggests that the first of the stages is denial and isolation, and anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the second, third, fourth and fifth stages respectively. Some professionals suggest that your child may in fact pas through these stages in a different order than listed, and may also return to a stage they had seemingly already passed through. No one can know the exact path the grieving process for your child will take place. However, having some awareness of these stages can help a caretaker recognize where their child is at in the grieving process. In addition using the list of responses and plugging in the behaviors to the possible stage they are linked with can further assist a caretaker in identifying not only what stage their child may be at in dealing with the loss but the exact behaviors the child may be using to cope with the loss in a particular stage.
It can be difficult to know how to talk to a child about grief and loss in a way that will help them cope with and accept their grief. There are several techniques that professionals and nonprofessionals alike have used to address such a sensitive topic with a child. Some studies suggest that there are therapeutic goals that can assist a child in dealing with loss and grief. The following are some therapeutic goals (Lonner, 1999) and specific ways to work towards these goals to help your child cope.
1. " tell the story of the loss - you can have the child write a letter to the lost person/thing describing his/her feelings and then read the letter to an adult they have a trusting relationship.
2. Identify feelings connected to the loss - read some children's books about grief and loss and afterwards discuss the story. There are many children's books to choose from on the subject of loss and grief. Some current titles and authors are: The Dead Bird, By Margaret Wise Brown, Lifetimes, By Brian Mellonie and Bert Ingpen, and Everett Anderson's Goodbye, By Lucille Clifton.
3. Increase the ability to verbalize and experience feelings connected with the loss - assist the child in identifying his/her feelings by using the Five Faces Technique (Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, By Jewett)
4. Verbalize an increased understanding of the process of grieving and letting go - use a mutual story telling technique in which the child tells his/her story. Then the adult interprets the story for it's underlying meaning and tells a story using the same characters in a similar setting but weaves into the story a wealthy way to adapt and resolve the loss" (Lonner, 1999).
Lastly, knowing that the grieving process may take time, does not follow a set schedule, and may be different for each individual is an important as meeting therapeutic goals. The grieving process is difficult for anyone, never mind a child that may not be developmentally sophisticated enough to comprehend what is happening to them. The support and guidance of a caretaker through the grieving process may be an extremely supportive and beneficial aspect in helping your child deal with a loss.
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